I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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