Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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