cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
