the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
