I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
