Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
