we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
