You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
please don't ironically join a cult
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