Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
tell me about the fingering
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