I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
