i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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