I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
