i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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