who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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