I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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