you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
