I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
