I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
