So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
