Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
