I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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