somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
