I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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