I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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