My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
True strength comes from lack of pants
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
