ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
