woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
