So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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