Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
