I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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