So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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