you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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