The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
