Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
