you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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