I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
