it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
