Don't make out with my wife yet
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
