K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
