I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
