I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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