We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
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