I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
