Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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