I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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