Swine flu. Run for my life!
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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