I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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