Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
