You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Those nachos came to me in a dream
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
