the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
i believe in u and ur pee
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
