You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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