btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
